She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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