i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
