now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
