I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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