I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
