I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
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You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
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I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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