It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
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Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
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Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.