fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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