Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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