Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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