I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
