Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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