I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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