at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
