The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
