So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
