she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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