Im at strip club and am horny
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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