you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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