the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
