Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
