paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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