no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize