a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
