Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
