saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
