shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
