Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
