theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
