We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
