i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
