I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
