so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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