i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
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Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
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