Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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