Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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