it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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