Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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