i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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