I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
