Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
