I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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