I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
