But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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