the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
