I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
