If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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