I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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