Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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