respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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