What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
