I wish I could teleport
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
