My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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