They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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