and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
