just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
